Protesters Force Out Kermit The Frog For Alleged Connection To Pepe

From The Babylon Bee:

Protesters Force Out Kermit The Frog For Alleged Connection To Pepe

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Protesters crowded around the Jim Henson Company lot in Hollywood Monday to protest Kermit the Frog and his “obvious ties to Pepe,” the internet-famous frog meme associated with alt-right trolls and white supremacists. Though Kermit had zero connection to Pepe outside of his species, protestors insisted the frog resign immediately. By Tuesday, the Henson Company had given in to the demands and Kermit was fired from his position as CEO.

The company was prompted to act after Kermit attempted to address the controversy on Twitter, only making matters worse. In one tweet, Kermit claimed he would never reject his own species because of one “amphibious troll.” The Twittersphere hammered this statement, creating memes mocking the tweet such as one depicting Adolph Hitler with the spoofed tweet overlayed with the text, “I can’t reject the Nazi party just because of one fascist troll.”

Many of the responding tweets said if Kermit wasn’t willing to disown the frog species and get trans-specieal surgery, it only proved the felt frog’s allegiance to the alt-right. By Tuesday afternoon, many of the Muppets had come out rejecting Kermit’s statements and calling for his resignation.

Other  Muppet responses to Kermit included Miss Piggy claiming, “He was always weirded out about our inter-specieal relationship. I guess for some Muppets, morality is less important than the color of your felt.” Gonzo simply said, “Kermit’s defending bigots? And people say I’m the crazy one.” Scooter, one of the most openly left-wing of the Muppets came out hard against his green colleague.

While some people made suggestions for other animals Kermit could be instead of a frog, such as a bush baby or a fainting goat, others said it was too late. The thousands of hours of entertainment Kermit offered represent a deep history of Pepe support that could not be erased with one simple species-change, they claimed.

Finally, after the backlash had the hashtag #FireKermit trending at #1 for most of Tuesday, the Jim Henson Company released a statement claiming Kermit would no longer be working with them.

Resistance Twitter celebrated the decision, considering it another big win for social justice. Kermit is the second Muppet to be fired by the Jim Henson Company following the controversy last month revealing the Swedish Chef had been flashing white power hand signs for decades.

One of the Swedish Chef’s overt racist references seen on air.

The Swedish Chef has not been heard from since his firing because Twitter took down his account. His agent did release this statement: “A shmoody doody shmorgy shmoogy,” which he claims was a statement of sympathy toward Kermit after his firing.

Kermit could not be reached for comment but he has since deleted almost all of his tweets, leaving just one pinned tweet on his profile that reads, “It was never easy being green. Now it’s darn near impossible.”

Activists say they have their sights set on the Dig’em frog from Honey Smacks who they say has been, “marketing sugary cereal to white power groups for decades.”


Leftists Shoot Themselves in Foot Again

You have to hand it to the leftists. Their faux outrage over everything just amplifies their stupidity.

Like that cartoon about Serena. If they had all had a little chuckle about a multimillionaire being called out for having a public hissy fit in  a low circulation paper in Melbourne, nobody would have seen it. But they accuse the cartoonist of racism and misogyny and make the cartoon go viral.

Way to go SJW’s!

Babylon Bee: Man Refuses To Join Local Gym, Claims He’s Just Part Of The ‘Universal Gym’

Man Refuses To Join Local Gym, Claims He’s Just Part Of The ‘Universal Gym’

TORONTO—Local man Tim Rubidoux has refused to join a local gym, claiming instead that his membership in the “invisible, universal gym” should be enough to get him into shape.

“Yeah, I’m not really into the whole ‘organized fitness’ thing,” he told reporters, stating that he’s been “burned a few times” by gyms that didn’t cater to his every whim. “I’m into fitness, but I’m not religious about it.”

He also launched into a long diatribe about the hypocrisy of other people he sees at the gym, who are working out but aren’t perfectly fit yet. “That really turned me off of the whole institutional exercise thing. It’s just not for me.”

Rubidoux states that he simply exercises on his own time whenever he feels like it, with no disciplined routine or partners to keep him accountable. “Nature is my gym.”

At publishing time, sources had been able to confirm that Rubidoux hasn’t exercised in 14 years.

An Oldie but a Goodie

Remember the days when we could laugh about white racism and urban aboriginal culture without people taking offence? And you could get the message across with subtlety, so you didn’t actually subject your audience to apartheid and preach at them? Well if you’re in your 60’s you might.

Here’s a skit from “Fast Forward” when comedy was both funny and edgy without the swears.

You Can Even!

From the Babylon Bee (of course)Joel Osteen Targets Millennials With New Book: ‘You Can Even!’


HOUSTON, TX—In an attempt to reach a younger audience of millennials, prosperity preacher Joel Osteen has released a brand-new book entitled You Can Even!

“Don’t discourage yourself by speaking negative thoughts into existence like ‘I can’t even!’ or ‘I don’t know how to adult today!’” he said in a promotional video for the new book. “Instead, remind yourself that you can even! Nothing can separate you from your destiny—not spotty WiFi signals, not Starbucks making your drink wrong, not even your parents getting on your case about not having moved out of their basement yet.”

“Just repeat this mantra every day: I CAN EVEN!”

The book’s twelve chapters show 20-30 somethings how to put Osteen’s word-faith theology into action in everyday crises, like when you have to actually exercise some personal responsibility and “adult” in various situations. The book covers topics such as friends calling you to do something when you just want to sit at home in your sweats, Netflix streaming slowly despite a strong broadband connection, and contemplating the meaning of your existence as the national debt continues to bloat from policies enacted by previous generations while you take all the blame.

“No matter if it’s not being able to find your selfie stick or not being able to get a job after you spent $150,000 on college because you were told a college education was a guaranteed career-starter, let me show you how to remind yourself how much you can even.”

Despite repackaging his material to reach a new market, Osteen promises he won’t be compromising his beliefs in the slightest: the book’s 268 pages contain zero mentions of Jesus.

We All Know Somebody Like This

From Babylon Bee: 

Man Who Can Quote ‘Princess Bride’ At Will Struggling To Remember Single Bible Verse

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TEXARKANA, TX—According to sources close to local man Matthew Franco, the 39-year-old believer knows every single line from the classic film The Princess Bride by heart, yet struggles to quote a full Bible verse without having to look it up to refresh his memory.

The Christian man quotes the film throughout his day, responding to coworkers’ interactions by reciting lines like, “As you wish,” and “You fell victim to one of the classic blunders!” but always finds himself struggling to recall whatever Bible passage he’s trying to remember.

According to his friends and family, he’s watched the film 17 times this year already, mouthing the lines along with the actors as Westley attempts to save Princess Buttercup from the weaselly Prince Humperdinck. However, not one of the people who know Franco can recall a time he’s sat down for a time of personal devotions and Scripture reading.

“Yeah, I just don’t have the time to sit there and memorize a bunch of Bible verses that I may or may not need to use throughout the day,” he told reporters as he commented, “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something!” on a friend’s Facebook post. “I’ll just Google what a verse says if I really need to reference it.”

At publishing time, sources had confirmed that the man who’s “a little shaky” on his recollection of John 3:16 has the entirety of the film Tombstone “hidden in his heart.”

A Brief History of America

The Babylon Bee explains what July 4th really means to Americans.

Warning: This is satire, although some people living between Canada and Mexico will probably think it’s genuine history.

WORLD—Today, everyone around the world celebrates American Independence Day. Sadly, while all 7 billion people on the planet enjoy the firework displays and barbecued hot dogs and hamburgers, a very small number know the real history of this great day. The least you can do is to take a few minutes out of all the merry-making to solemnly reflect on the long, storied history of America and the Fourth of July.

TWENTIETH CENTURY B.C.—God calls Abram and covenants with him, promising to give his descendants all the land between the Eastern Seaboard and California, and also Alaska and Hawaii and some territories and a bunch of military bases all over the world. This Promised Land is called AMERICA.

FIFTEENTH CENTURY B.C.—Moses leads the Israelites on a daring escape from Egypt, culminating with the Hebrews sneaking across the Red Sea on Christmas Eve, Moses holding the American flag high, in order to surprise the Hessian forces at Trenton.

ELEVENTH CENTURY B.C.—David the shepherd boy battles the Philistine Goliath, running into battle while whistling the now-famous tune “Yankee Doodle” and firing an AR-15. Goliath is quickly frightened and dispatched.

2 B.C.—The Magi visiting from the East bring exotic gifts for the young Messiah, including gold, frankincense, and those small American flags people wave at parades and patriotic church services.

1492—Christopher Columbus attempts to circumnavigate the globe to reach India, but instead lands in the New World, where he discovers many natural resources. Chief among these was an ample supply of M-249 machine guns and lifted Chevy trucks, which Columbus was able to acquire through shrewd trading of key items like grains, rum, and smallpox.

1776—In a move that finally grants the Promised Land to God’s chosen people as prophesied numerous times throughout the Old Testament, America declares independence from the British. (Everything before this is basically just a prologue—the real history of the world starts here.)

1861—The American Civil War breaks out—err, sorry, the War of Northern Aggression, or the War for Southern Independence or something. Actually we’re still fighting about what the war was really about, which will probably lead to another civil war at some point here.

1914—World War I explodes in Europe and spills out across the rest of the globe. Never one to turn down a good time, the United States shows up fashionably late with a six-pack of Budweiser while firing machine guns into the air.

1939—World War II explodes in Europe and spills out across the rest of the globe. Never one to turn down a good time, the United States shows up fashionably late with a six-pack of Budweiser while firing machine guns into the air.

1962—The world finds its attention riveted on the potentially disastrous Cuban Missile Crisis, a brief period of sharp tension between the US and the Soviet Union. The crisis is finally defused when President Kennedy offers Khrushchev a souvenir bobblehead of George Washington from the White House gift shop.

1989—The wall literally and symbolically separating East and West Berlin is torn down, signalling how much awesomer America was than the USSR. America relaxes from all the Cold War fighting but announces it will try to provoke tensions with Russia again in a few decades “just to keep things interesting.”

2008—Obama is elected President of the United States and immediately reveals he is in fact Sauron, Lord of Mordor and enemy of the free peoples of the earth. His reign begins to cover all the land with darkness, but a small band of freedom fighters keeps the dream of America alive throughout his eight years of terror.

2016—Trump is elected President of the United States. His first act in office is to restore the celebration of Independence Day, which hadn’t been recognized under Obama. World peace is achieved.

Now that you’ve been educated, don’t just keep it to yourself. Go tell a friend the gospel of the United States today!