Babylon Bee: Conan The Barbarian Apologizes For Misogynistic Comments After Viewing Gillette Commercial

CIMMERIA—Speaking in a message sent from the Hyborian Age, famed sword and sorcery hero Conan the Barbarian apologized to all women everywhere for his harsh treatment and objectification of women, as well as his harmful comments about hearing women’s lamentations.

The catalyst for Conan’s change of heart was reportedly a brief Gillette ad, which he viewed through a dark sorcerer’s portal before cutting the foul wizard’s head off.

“Many times I would grab women by the hair, tell them to shut up, and rescue them from pirates or enchanters without so much as asking their consent,” he said in a statement. “Now, thanks to Gillette, I see that my past behavior is not the best a man can be. It’s not the best a Cimmerian can be.”

“I vow to do better,” he said.

Once a fearsome barbarian who roamed the land in search of fame, fortune, and glory, Conan now hangs out at local taverns, where he lectures men who get too saucy with the waitstaff. “Actually, Ulrich, this serving wench is worthy of our respect and doesn’t deserve to hear your disparaging comments,” he said to a friend at a recent encounter before cutting his head off.

Conan also vowed to strive for better gender representation in his quests. Instead of venturing into sorcerer’s towers and dank dungeons by himself or with a companion who inevitably gets killed in the first room, the barbarian conquerer promised to raid dungeons with a party of at least 50% women.

Gillette spokesperson Howie Robert said the company was very pleased with Conan’s progress. “This is exactly what we knew would happen: men with the worst masculine instincts would check out a razor commercial and immediately change their ways. We totally didn’t do it for publicity or anything.” Conan quickly cut off Robert’s head.

Based on his new change of heart, Conan the Barbarian will be adapted into a new film, Conan the Sensitive, featuring Emily Blunt in the leading role instead of Jason Momoa.

Advertisements

Sodom & Gomorrah Feel Hard Done By.

From The Babylon Bee:

Sodom, Gomorrah Wondering Why America Hasn’t Been Obliterated Yet

AFTERLIFE—Former residents of Sodom and Gomorrah, speaking to reporters in the afterlife, recently questioned why the United States hasn’t been wiped off the map by Almighty God yet.

 

Those who once resided in the notoriously sinful cities are beginning to complain that America is still in existence, despite its senseless slaughter of the unborn and unquestioning acceptance of activities that were considered unthinkably perverse just a decade or two ago.

“Yeah, we were pretty jacked up—but have you seen some of the stuff that goes on in America nowadays?” one man said, shaking his head, which was on fire. “People are letting their kids dress up as drag queens and dance for money in gay bars. They literally kill hundreds of thousands of babies a year. They bomb foreign countries 24/7. We did bad stuff, sure, I’m not denying that—but come on! Even I can see the nation needs a hearty helping of fire and brimstone.”

“I mean, He can do what He wants, but if I were in the US right now, I’d be heading for the hills,” he added, shrugging. “And I wouldn’t be salty about it either—wouldn’t even look back.”

They also pointed to the fact that The Big Bang Theory has been running for over ten years.

Babylon Bee: Link Between Personal Holiness and Chair Stacking

It’s in the Babylon Bee so you know it has to be true!

Study Finds Strong Connection Between Holiness And Number Of Chairs You Stack After Church Service

U.S.—A new study performed by LifeWay Research revealed Wednesday that there is a “strong connection” between your personal holiness and the number of chairs you stack while tearing down a church service or other church function.

The report looked at thousands of churchgoers from all over the nation and found that all across the board, the more chairs you stack, the further along you are in your sanctification journey.

“People who stack lots of chairs were found to be very close to Jesus, while people who just stand around and talk were found to be basically pagans,” said a study intern. “There are lots of baby Christians out there, of course, who fall somewhere in between. Brand-new believers tend to mill about the meeting room and reluctantly grab a chair or two before slinking away and muttering something about having to go pick up their kids.”

The study also found that the number of chairs you can carry at one time is a significant indicator of how Christlike you are. “Men who pile up 7 or 8 chairs at once and effortlessly fling them atop a stack were much more likely to be committed disciples of Christ,” the report read. “If you’re only grabbing one or two at a time, it’s time for a heart check.”

 

Babylon Bee: Carol Changes Cause Riots

Congregation Erupts Into Violent Protests As Worship Band Shamelessly Tampers With Yet Another Timeless Christmas Carol

PERRY, MA—Violence broke out at Everlasting Savior Community Church in Perry last Sunday after, in an audacious show of nerve, the worship band messed with another classic Christmas song. Congregants were whipped into a frenzy during “O Come, O Come Emmanuel” when a new bridge was added to the already satisfactory song. 

“Rejoice with tidal waves of grace, oh Savior of the broken, pouring over me everlasting in a rushing mighty wave of love…” the new lyrics began. It was at that point that a hymnal was lobbed into one of the speakers causing an explosion of sparks. The congregation rushed the stage and attacked the worship band, knocking over microphone stands, throwing drums, and lighting amplifiers on fire.

With the church ablaze, the angry mob took to the streets overturning cars and breaking windows. Local police arrived on the scene and were forced to use tear gas and pepper spray to control the protestors.

Earlier in the service, songs such as “O Come All Ye Faithful” and “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” had also been tampered with, creating a palpable frustration among the elder members of the church. By the third song, they had had enough.

A number of church members had locked themselves inside of the building and were holding hostage worship leader, 19-year-old Gavin Blaine, demanding that all Christmas songs from this point forward be played the normal way they have always been played. Officers at the scene held the worship band at gunpoint and instructed the musicians to comply with the sensible demands. “There’s no reason for this kind of brazen disregard for these beloved songs,” shouted the police chief at the worship leader. “Change the songs back or lethal force may be used.”

At press time, Blaine had refused to comply with the orders and was placed in police custody.

From The Babylon Bee