We All Know Somebody Like This

From Babylon Bee: 

Man Who Can Quote ‘Princess Bride’ At Will Struggling To Remember Single Bible Verse

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TEXARKANA, TX—According to sources close to local man Matthew Franco, the 39-year-old believer knows every single line from the classic film The Princess Bride by heart, yet struggles to quote a full Bible verse without having to look it up to refresh his memory.

The Christian man quotes the film throughout his day, responding to coworkers’ interactions by reciting lines like, “As you wish,” and “You fell victim to one of the classic blunders!” but always finds himself struggling to recall whatever Bible passage he’s trying to remember.

According to his friends and family, he’s watched the film 17 times this year already, mouthing the lines along with the actors as Westley attempts to save Princess Buttercup from the weaselly Prince Humperdinck. However, not one of the people who know Franco can recall a time he’s sat down for a time of personal devotions and Scripture reading.

“Yeah, I just don’t have the time to sit there and memorize a bunch of Bible verses that I may or may not need to use throughout the day,” he told reporters as he commented, “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something!” on a friend’s Facebook post. “I’ll just Google what a verse says if I really need to reference it.”

At publishing time, sources had confirmed that the man who’s “a little shaky” on his recollection of John 3:16 has the entirety of the film Tombstone “hidden in his heart.”

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A Brief History of America

The Babylon Bee explains what July 4th really means to Americans.

Warning: This is satire, although some people living between Canada and Mexico will probably think it’s genuine history.

WORLD—Today, everyone around the world celebrates American Independence Day. Sadly, while all 7 billion people on the planet enjoy the firework displays and barbecued hot dogs and hamburgers, a very small number know the real history of this great day. The least you can do is to take a few minutes out of all the merry-making to solemnly reflect on the long, storied history of America and the Fourth of July.

TWENTIETH CENTURY B.C.—God calls Abram and covenants with him, promising to give his descendants all the land between the Eastern Seaboard and California, and also Alaska and Hawaii and some territories and a bunch of military bases all over the world. This Promised Land is called AMERICA.

FIFTEENTH CENTURY B.C.—Moses leads the Israelites on a daring escape from Egypt, culminating with the Hebrews sneaking across the Red Sea on Christmas Eve, Moses holding the American flag high, in order to surprise the Hessian forces at Trenton.

ELEVENTH CENTURY B.C.—David the shepherd boy battles the Philistine Goliath, running into battle while whistling the now-famous tune “Yankee Doodle” and firing an AR-15. Goliath is quickly frightened and dispatched.

2 B.C.—The Magi visiting from the East bring exotic gifts for the young Messiah, including gold, frankincense, and those small American flags people wave at parades and patriotic church services.

1492—Christopher Columbus attempts to circumnavigate the globe to reach India, but instead lands in the New World, where he discovers many natural resources. Chief among these was an ample supply of M-249 machine guns and lifted Chevy trucks, which Columbus was able to acquire through shrewd trading of key items like grains, rum, and smallpox.

1776—In a move that finally grants the Promised Land to God’s chosen people as prophesied numerous times throughout the Old Testament, America declares independence from the British. (Everything before this is basically just a prologue—the real history of the world starts here.)

1861—The American Civil War breaks out—err, sorry, the War of Northern Aggression, or the War for Southern Independence or something. Actually we’re still fighting about what the war was really about, which will probably lead to another civil war at some point here.

1914—World War I explodes in Europe and spills out across the rest of the globe. Never one to turn down a good time, the United States shows up fashionably late with a six-pack of Budweiser while firing machine guns into the air.

1939—World War II explodes in Europe and spills out across the rest of the globe. Never one to turn down a good time, the United States shows up fashionably late with a six-pack of Budweiser while firing machine guns into the air.

1962—The world finds its attention riveted on the potentially disastrous Cuban Missile Crisis, a brief period of sharp tension between the US and the Soviet Union. The crisis is finally defused when President Kennedy offers Khrushchev a souvenir bobblehead of George Washington from the White House gift shop.

1989—The wall literally and symbolically separating East and West Berlin is torn down, signalling how much awesomer America was than the USSR. America relaxes from all the Cold War fighting but announces it will try to provoke tensions with Russia again in a few decades “just to keep things interesting.”

2008—Obama is elected President of the United States and immediately reveals he is in fact Sauron, Lord of Mordor and enemy of the free peoples of the earth. His reign begins to cover all the land with darkness, but a small band of freedom fighters keeps the dream of America alive throughout his eight years of terror.

2016—Trump is elected President of the United States. His first act in office is to restore the celebration of Independence Day, which hadn’t been recognized under Obama. World peace is achieved.

Now that you’ve been educated, don’t just keep it to yourself. Go tell a friend the gospel of the United States today!

Rude Mother Fails To Put Baby On Silent Mode Before Church Service

From “Babylon Bee”

Rude Mother Fails To Put Baby On Silent Mode Before Church Service

 

WILMAR, MN—New mother Tatiana Olson is being called rude and obnoxious for failing to put her baby on silent mode before entering the church service at Generations Church during Sunday’s service.

The woman’s infant cried several times during the service, interrupting the proceedings and demonstrating the reason for the church’s strict rules on using a newborn’s silent mode before coming into the church.

“It’s just inconsiderate. We even post notices in the foyer asking mothers to be sure to put their babies on silent mode before being seated,” head deacon Lucas Carlisle said Wednesday. “We’re here to be the body of Christ to one another, and we can’t do that when your baby interrupts our carefully crafted show.”

The mother was finally asked to leave and find “one of those weird churches that welcomes children,” according to sources.