CIMMERIA—Speaking in a message sent from the Hyborian Age, famed sword and sorcery hero Conan the Barbarian apologized to all women everywhere for his harsh treatment and objectification of women, as well as his harmful comments about hearing women’s lamentations.
The catalyst for Conan’s change of heart was reportedly a brief Gillette ad, which he viewed through a dark sorcerer’s portal before cutting the foul wizard’s head off.
“Many times I would grab women by the hair, tell them to shut up, and rescue them from pirates or enchanters without so much as asking their consent,” he said in a statement. “Now, thanks to Gillette, I see that my past behavior is not the best a man can be. It’s not the best a Cimmerian can be.”
“I vow to do better,” he said.
Once a fearsome barbarian who roamed the land in search of fame, fortune, and glory, Conan now hangs out at local taverns, where he lectures men who get too saucy with the waitstaff. “Actually, Ulrich, this serving wench is worthy of our respect and doesn’t deserve to hear your disparaging comments,” he said to a friend at a recent encounter before cutting his head off.
Conan also vowed to strive for better gender representation in his quests. Instead of venturing into sorcerer’s towers and dank dungeons by himself or with a companion who inevitably gets killed in the first room, the barbarian conquerer promised to raid dungeons with a party of at least 50% women.
Gillette spokesperson Howie Robert said the company was very pleased with Conan’s progress. “This is exactly what we knew would happen: men with the worst masculine instincts would check out a razor commercial and immediately change their ways. We totally didn’t do it for publicity or anything.” Conan quickly cut off Robert’s head.
Based on his new change of heart, Conan the Barbarian will be adapted into a new film, Conan the Sensitive, featuring Emily Blunt in the leading role instead of Jason Momoa.